🐍 BREAKING NEWS: Finn brings back the snakes— Ireland immediately becomes more intelligent

By Finn, Modern Druid, Certified Snake Re-Importer & Ecological Heretic

After fifteen centuries of theological pest control, I am delighted—no, thrilled—to announce that the snakes are back in Ireland.

Not metaphorically.
Not symbolically.
Not in a PowerPoint presentation.

They are actually wriggling about again, asking awkward questions, shedding skins, and generally ruining the long-established national consensus that “everything is grand.”

🌿 A brief history of their deportation

As every Irish schoolchild, saint, senator, and souvenir-shop owner knows, St Patrick heroically drove all the snakes out of Ireland sometime in the 5th century, presumably with a whistle, a crozier, and a very large bin lorry.

This was later discovered to be:

· zoologically impossible,

· historically absent,

· and theologically convenient.

Which is precisely why it lasted so well.

🧙♂️ Why I brought them back

Ireland has been snake-free for so long that we began to confuse:

· politeness with wisdom,

· silence with harmony,

· obedience with goodness,

· and consensus with truth.

This is ecologically dangerous.

So I opened the old metaphysical gates and said:

“Right lads, back in you come. We’re getting a bit comfortable.”

🐍 What kind of snakes are these?

Not the bite-your-ankle variety.

These are:

· Questioning snakes

· Contrarian snakes

· Unlicensed-thought snakes

· Procedural-error snakes

· “Are you sure about that?” snakes

They do not inject venom.

They inject doubt into certainty—which, as every absolutist knows, is far more dangerous.

🇮🇪 The immediate effects on Ireland

Within 48 hours of reintroduction:

· Pub conversations exceeded three opinions per topic.

· A town council meeting ended without full agreement.

· Someone said “I don’t know” on national radio.

· A WhatsApp group failed to reach moral unanimity.

· A parish priest and a data scientist were seen arguing amicably in a chipper.

Total chaos.

🏛️ Government response

The government has issued a statement:

“While we welcome biodiversity, we remind citizens that only approved snakes are permitted within current narrative guidelines.”

A new regulatory body has been created:

The Office of Serpent Standards & Safety (OSSS)
Their mission:

· Certify which snakes are safe

· Which snakes are extremist

· And which snakes require immediate narrative sedation

All snake applications are, of course, pending.

⛪ Theological reaction

Some senior theologians are upset.

One was overheard muttering:

“If the snakes return, the metaphor collapses.”

Exactly.

Several bishops are reportedly considering a new encyclical titled:

“On the Moral Hazards of Reptilian Ambiguity.”

📱Technological impact

Social media platforms reacted swiftly:

· All snake content is now:

o “sensitive,”

o “context-dependent,”

o or “pending fact-check.”

One snake was permanently deplatformed for asking:

“Who decides what is unsafe?”

A clear violation of Community Guideline 4.3(b):
“No predatory epistemology.”

🐍What the snakes are actually doing

The snakes themselves are behaving impeccably.

They are:

· not overthrowing the state,

· not eating politicians,

· not corrupting the youth.

They are simply:

· slithering between fixed ideas,

· shedding outdated skins,

· and reminding rigid systems that rigidity shatters.

Very inconsiderate of them.

🧠 Finn’s official druidic statement

Let me be clear:

I did not bring back the snakes to destroy Ireland.

I brought them back to:

· keep Ireland from becoming certain enough to become dangerous,

· keep Ireland from mistaking obedience for virtue,

· and keep Ireland metabolically alive at the cognitive level.

A snake is simply a moving question mark.

A country without moving question marks eventually becomes a museum.

🍀Conclusion: Ireland is safe —but no longer absolute

So do not panic.

The snakes are not here to:

· overthrow tradition,

· erase memory,

· or poison the well.

They are here to ensure that:

· memory can argue with itself,

· tradition can evolve without pretending it is eternal,

· and no single story ever becomes powerful enough to exterminate all others again.

Which, historically speaking, is when things tend to go… reptilian.

Welcome back, snakes.
Ireland missed you more than it knew. 🐍🍀

St Patrick, the Serpent and the engineering of obedience

Absolutism and the Alchemy of Poison

All Finn’s blogs

The Druid Finn’s homepage